Do Cicada Deaths Matter? Source: Maybe!

In today’s issue of Gullible News, we have a report(1) from the local Fox affiliate in Neera, TX, KKNK, which delves into the topic of cicadas. You may have stepped outside recently and heard the cacophony of “chirp-buzzing” similar to that of a chainsaw winding-down. Many people believe cicadas only surface from the depths of hell every 17 years, but this is a fallacy.

According to the report, “Cicadas ‘hatch’ every year, but there are different cycles in which they hatch. Their cycles are set, by God of course, in prime number years. So different ‘groupings’ of them hatch every 1, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, and 17 years.” The report goes on to state, “We have strong evidence indicating this is to ensure generational survival by offsetting their predators’ cycles.” For simplicity, think of them as Whack-a-moles, but with really odd timing.

But why are they “calling” out? What is that “buzzing?” The report found that initial theories were wrong. It was hypothesized that this was the “call of attraction,” one mate trying to find another. But studies could never directly link the two together. Another trial failed to correlate the “buzzing” with territorialism(2), as 2 cicadas fighting was never witnessed. From the report, “…then the cicadas were put into a laboratory setting, isolating them. It had never been such a controlled environment before this. The very next day, we had our answer.” Sources(3) claim around 100 cicadas were lying dead in their enclosure at the very first inspection. With a camera on the enclosure, and a sensitive audio recorder, it was shown that each cicada would “buzz,” then drop.

“We had our answer to the “What” part, but now we had a whole new question, the “Why,” continued the report. Currently, scientists are pouring over the research of other organisms genetically predisposed, again by God’s hand, to sacrifice for the sake of species survival (fainting goats, rabbits and heart attacks, etc.). One person(4) has an idea, “What if they chirp to draw attention, then die to draw in any predators? That way the other ones which are still alive are less likely to be eaten,” said Jim Donochit. Studies are being developed in an attempt to solve the new mystery.

For more information on cicadas, please look up “Cicadas” in Google. Results are bountiful, almost as much as dead cicadas. For cooking tips, please inquire with your odd neighbor. I’m sure he has an opinion on the subject.


1 Fox affiliate KKNK cited source: “Some guy we ran into at Starbucks one morning. He had a laptop and smart-looking glasses, and his name was Bill Uppercrust, I think. He said he was working on a book called, “Why is Purple?” We didn’t understand what he was talking about, but it sure sounded smart.”

2 The Forlorn Unibrowed Duck flaps his wings violently and let’s out 2 “quacks” in quick succession as any competitors swim, waddle, or fly by. He is often known for puffing out his chest and causing unprovoked confrontation. The female is speculated to be mute as she has never been observed making any noise. She is careful to stay behind her mate. It has even been observed that extreme “Alpha-ism” causes spitting of food at his female when he is dissatisfied with his meal.

3 Fox affiliate KKNK cited source: “Guy sitting behind Smart-looking-laptop-guy. Think he said his name was Jim Donochit, but not completely sure. Seemed credible when he kept telling us, “Some people say…”

4 “Some people say” guy…

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