Lethal Force Used Against "Monster"

It would seem the terror afflicting the small town of Mobileville, MO has been eradicated. According to a local police report, police were called to the scene of an apparent “monster” getting out of a large sedan and slithering to a nearby house.


Local resident Betty White (most definitely not the actress), an elderly woman who claims she hasn’t left her house in over 3 years, said she notified police of the creature lurking about. She described the beast as having tentacles coming out of his head, glowing red eyes, and what appeared to be a hunchback. Police records show they responded to the scene in approximately 90 seconds.


Another witness, who asked to remain anonymous, stated that 3 squad cars showed up simultaneously, officers ran up to the house with guns drawn, kicked down the door, and began firing. The witness claimed to have heard at least 40 shots fired. Police Chief Brad Friendly issued a brief statement as to what transpired within the house.


“As officers approached the being, its fiery eyes stared directly at the officers’ guns. 3 officers reported feeling threatened by the gaze as if the creature was using some sort of mind control to will the guns away from the officers. Unable to immediately identify how many arms the monster had, officers had to assume that handcuffing the monster would be futile as it most certainly would resist with any remaining arms, hands, or legs it possessed. Therefore, the only course of action was to dispense lethal force to protect the officers and local residents.”


According to the medical examiner, an autopsy will be performed by the week’s end. A preliminary report states the deceased as Earl Blackmon. The Secretary of State lists Mr. Blackmon as an African American male, 5’10”, 175 lbs., and 25 years old. His body was recovered with a backpack still on and a smartphone clutched in hand.


After the body had been cleared, Betty White went on to say, “Thank God our neighborhood is safe again. That was the most grotesque thing I’ve ever seen.” A report on local home sales show that Mr. Blackmon, who is the registered owner of the address where police were dispatched, bought the residence less than 60 days ago.

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